This Thing.

Updated: Apr 22, 2020

I am adjusting to myself, over and over I change into this new person I don't understand, I can't recognize but I love. This past month has been more beautiful, fulfilling and anxiety filled than I would have ever expected.

I've made the decision to move out to a place with my boyfriend, essentially on my own. As I never got to experience the moving away from school or out on my own, this is a first step for me. Scary, but really beautiful and exciting.

I've also started a new adventure going into nutrition. I am so excited about this experience, I feel so much gratitude that I have the ability to be apart of this program. With both changes happening all at once I've struggled with some pretty high levels of stress and anxiety, it is worse when I don't eat very well, don't sleep very well, don't communicate with other people very well and quite frankly PMS.

My feelings for things even the things I know I have invested time and energy into because I care about the outcome, care about those relationships, that endeavour, they all change, one minute I feel so joyous so happy, in love and ready to accomplish anything, and the next I wake up with absolutely no motivation, the things I committed to seem not to matter and I have this weight in my stomach I can't pinpoint the origin of.

I know this isn't a feeling only I experience, but it can feel so isolating when you try to talk to someone about how you feel and why you want to just get through this feeling, it's hard for them to understand and you hear "oh well that's not for you then", "do something else", "maybe you just aren't right for that thing or person".

People are so quick to act on every emotion. When I have invested my time and effort into something the last thing I want to do is just walk away. I will do everything in my power to work past these feelings of doubt and anxiety.

In yoga, we always say the most beautiful practice comes when you feel like you can't go any longer, you're at your edge and just when you think you'll have to give up you break through into this whole new practice. You have to give in and have faith in this thing that you can't explain.

I am posting this because I think it's important to share that even when you actively work towards a life that you love, there will always be struggles and it's up to you to decide what you want to believe, act on or put your faith into.

I love you all so immensely and I hope you all feel you have a friend in me if you ever need to open up to someone.



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