Updated: Apr 22
How 2018 was a year of radical self discovery and how breaking up with my expectations also ended my relationship.
I feel that I really learned what I want from a partner, what I think I “need” from a partner and I was tested over and over. It was an incredible experience to learn about my self and my desires, and what I find important in a relationship. This came through not knowing myself enough to know that the relationship I was in wasn't properly defined. Basically I was attempting to bring a friend into a romantic place because there was love. Knowing a person and yourself can bring so much peace when you reach an understanding of expectations and realizing that expectations should be communicated.
I learned that I had all kinds of expectations from the person I was with, I discovered more about how I define my sexuality, I learned about the thought paradigms I had about what a relationship was "supposed" to be. To me this means it was an incredibly useful relationship. (I don't say this to suggest that relationships should be useful in nature, simply that this one I did find very helpful to my self discovery.)
This person that I was with, while it seemed that we were very similar in what we were valuing I realized we were working towards similar things with very different pathways, and reasons in mind.
I wanted to build this whole encompassing life where I not only surround myself with people I love and cherish the connection of but also can grow together. I didn't see one particular thing that was going to get me to this place of "success" I saw success as a journey, the process of becoming who I am, accumulating activities that I love and can share.
I love everyone who comes into my life and not very often does that love leave, I still genuinely love people I no longer see or talk to ever. I don't think love and association are intertwined. One thing that I realized was different was the way we saw people, I expected that everyone saw people in the same way I did which was as full humans who have a whole list of things they are experiencing and learning. Not as functioning members of society and if they don't hold up a level of respect or obligation then they are less of a good person.
Perhaps it is because I can understand what it is like to struggle so deeply with trying to understand who I am. That when someone falls through on a commitment my immediate response is not to get mad, it is not to cancel all future communications with them because they did me wrong, it is to be concerned, for their well-being. This does not mean that I insert myself into their life, but I do hope that my friends and family know that I am always there to support them, for who they are and what they are experiencing.
So I realized we had a complete fundamental difference when looking at the world, relationships, sexuality and connection.
Where do the expectations come in?
Well, I had expectations about how people view the world and other people. I learned that your view of the world is something you may actually want to communicate. Wow right.
I had expectations about how you are to be involved in someones life. I wanted to be someone whose opinion was asked and acknowledged. This doesn't mean I wanted to be agreed with it simple means that I wanted to discuss ideas, thoughts and feelings so that I could learn through these conversations what felt right through my own intuition, in my own body. What I learned was that some people have no interest discussing certain things with you, my assumption is that they haven't become comfortable mulling over the ideas in their own mind.
I expected to be comforted when I was sad, I learned to comfort myself.
I expected someone to call me on my bullshit, I learned what my bullshit was when they consistently projected their own problems.
I expected to have trust, and learned that trust is something that is felt a lot more than it is discussed, although it should also be discussed.
I expected to be accepted for who I am, and I learned that I wasn't accepting myself.
I expected that if you have fundamentally different beliefs, you can acknowledge love and accept someone and they will do the same. What I learned was that sometimes means those beliefs are off the table as things up for topic of conversation.
Above all I learned that I expected someone else to help me figure out what I feel and how to respond to the world and I learned that time and time again your intuition will lead you the right way if you can listen. If you ask for advice from someone it is okay not to follow it, if you want to learn something from someone it is okay to disagree and do the exact opposite.
Perhaps you're wondering if this relationship was a romantic one... well it was. Although that brings up even more expectations... if you know what I mean.
I will post again on the topic of sexual expectation, because this relationship taught me more about my sexuality than I could have expected. Keep an eye out for part 2.
Namaste my loves,
p.s if you would like clarification on my opinions, beliefs or thoughts I'd be more than happy to discuss them, I left this post fairly generalized for the sake of keeping it short, so please ask any questions about specifics you're experiencing or that you'd like to know about.