Updated: Apr 22, 2020
When you were younger, did you even know what an orgasm was? Did you know that your body was built for such immense feelings of pleasure?
If you were more like me you learned that sex was something to be abstained from until marriage, or until you found someone you wanted to be with for the rest of your life and not something to be experiencing with many different people.
I learned that masterbation was something to be kept secret and to me that meant something to be ashamed of. Right now as I type that, it’s not even a word in the apple dictionary. My phones like “i don’t know what that isss.” That says something to me.
We grow up ashamed to learn about our bodies, to explore our bodies, we learn that certain parts of our bodies are inherently dirty and should not be touched. How can that possibly be a healthy way to learn about sexuality. Not only do we learn that certain things are dirty, we learn that certain things are sacred, which they are, but we learn it as something to be sacred for someone else, not for ourselves. Our bodies are magical sanctuaries to be explored, experienced and perhaps shared when we meet someone that is worth sharing with. Our orgasms are something to allow others to partake in. It is not someone else's gift to us in return for saving our virginity for them.
This is something that can be an incredible shock, say you make it to marriage and you haven't "lost" your virginity... sex is terrible for many years before you and your SO learn about your own bodies enough to share your findings. OR an incredible disappointment, you guiltily have sex before marriage because
1. the weight of this thing (your virginity) has you rushing to find “the one” rather than simply having the sex and enjoying your life with people without the assigned necessity of marriage prior.
2. You have sex with someone you love deeply and the sex is mediocre and you still have a beautiful relationship, until you do or do not decide you would like to make sex a better experience for both of you.
3. You have sex with someone you might love, it is wonderful and everything that you imagined, a transcendental experience lets say.
...But you still couldn't wait and therefore something must be wrong with you.
This is what I do not subscribe to.
I’m not suggesting that we teach children what to do. That would be weird. i’m suggesting that we aren’t so afraid to answer their questions when they start to come up, when they want to educate themselves we allow them to as opposed to saying “you’re too young for this.”
Sexuality develops much younger than we imagine, and sexual repression can lead to all kinds of upsetting emotional and psychological issues. Furthermore can be dangerous, ignorance gets us no where except to a misinterpreted understanding of safety.
We might begin educating our children on the importance of sexual connection as something that is sacred without specifically attaching our own requirements (marriage). We cannot expect that women grow up to understand their own sexuality after years of suppression and shaming. Our sexuality is inherently connected to who we are, it should be expressed in the same way your fashion sense or desire to be creative might be, openly and with passion.
I was listening to the sex magic podcast and one of the women @bellatakesaphoto on Instagram said something like we grow up and expect that we’ll find someone and they’ll just be the orgasm in shining armour, that they'll understand our bodies and be everything that we've been hoping for. But that is just ridiculous is it not?
You as an individual need to learn about your own body before anyone else will ever satisfy you. Unless they get lucky, in which case you will still spend years learning about yourself and one another in order to expand and grow into your sexual experiences, perhaps together.
No one person is going to bring with them the orgasm in shining armour. Our sexuality is one place we need to advocate for ourselves, we cannot do this if we don't have a basic understanding of ourselves.
Virginity as understood by majority of people is a concept that leaves out a large portion of society, for those of us who might not experience heterosexual intercourse what is a virginity...?
It has women stressed, repressed and obsessed with marriage. And it leaves those who do decide to marry experiencing dissatisfying sex lives because they were taught it would be a magical experience if they happened to "save" it for someone.
Answer me this:
What do you think about the idea of saving sex for marriage?
How do you feel about orgasms being something we assume are inherently linked to sexual intercourse?
Do you believe self pleasure it the blueprint for understanding of our own sexuality?
Namaste my loves,